


The Incident With The Killer Rabbit And The Purple Dildo

by Child_of_Eru



Category: Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975), The Lord of the Rings (Movies), The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien, lotr - Fandom
Genre: Purple Dildo, Weirdness, if you read this you need a shrink, seriously, sick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-26
Updated: 2013-09-26
Packaged: 2017-12-27 17:09:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/981451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Child_of_Eru/pseuds/Child_of_Eru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rated T because, well, it's a killer rabbit beating people with a purple dildo...</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Incident With The Killer Rabbit And The Purple Dildo

**Author's Note:**

> So my dear, demented brother requested this and I decided I might as well upload it for everyone else. I'm actually quite happy with it. Not sorry.

”Hobbits!” the grumpy man stated with surprise. “Four hobbits!”  
“What business brings you to Bree?”  
“We wish to stay at the inn. Our business is our own.”   
“Alright young sir, I meant no offense.”  
He stepped aside to let them pass. But Frodo had barely stepped through the gates before he jumped backwards screaming.   
“What?”  
“Frodo!”  
“What’s going on?!”  
As Frodo stumbled back, tripping over his startled fiends, he escaped the wrath of the killer rabbit. The human, however, was not so lucky.  
“AAAAAAAAGHH! HELP! NOOOOOOOO! Uuuughh…”  
The rabbit slowly and sadistically beat him to death with its big, purple dildo. The poor hobbits watched in horror, slowly retreating down the road.   
“What do we do?” Sam whispered anxiously.  
“Perhaps this will help,” said a cloaked man who had suddenly appeared next to them on the road.  
“Who are you?” they asked, frightened by his sudden appearance.  
“I am brother Maynard, and I am here to help you vanquish the foul beast!”  
He opened small wooden box, revealing a most peculiar item.  
“What is that?” Frodo asked.  
“Well it’s the holy hand grenade of course!” came a voice from their left. They all turned and saw a figure in the shadows. It was taller than them, but not tall enough to be human, and it wore a hat with strange earflaps.   
“Bofur? How did you get here?”  
“Oh I just walked through the gate,” the dwarf shrugged.  
“How did you get past the rabbit?”  
“Well it wasn’t that hard really. ‘t was busy poundin’ that poor man with that awfully purple dildo!”   
Desperately trying to get rid of the disturbing image Frodo moved on to the next question.  
“What is the holy hand grenade then?”  
Brother Maynard gasped in shock and Bofur shock his head disapprovingly. Merry gave an exasperated sigh.  
“It’s the holy hand grenade!”  
“Yeah, Frodo everyone knows what the holy hand grenade is!”  
“See! Even Sam knows!”  
Frodo just frowned and looked around at the odd gathering.  
“Ye’ve never heard ‘bout the holy hand grenade before lad?”   
“No.”  
“Well I’m afraid we don’t have time for lengthy explanations,” brother Maynard said stiffly.  
“Yeah, we’re kind of in a hurry.”  
Pippin pointed at the gates. The monster was finished with its prey and was now coming through the gates, both rabbit and dildo soaked in blood and guts and something that may have been brain matter.   
“U-oh. So how do we use this thing?”  
Brother Maynard started declaring in a solemn voice:  
“First shall thou take out the holy pin. Then shall thou count to three. No more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shall count to and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shall thou not count, neither…”  
“Yeah, yeah, we get it. Count to three. Anything else?”  
Three hobbits, a dwarf and a man turned and glared at Frodo for his impatience. He glared right back.  
“So throw the damn thing!”  
“He has a point ya know,” Bofur said. “The beast is almost upon us!”  
“Alright, let’s throw it,” brother Maynard yields. “Take the grenade, Frodo.”  
Frodo does so and successfully takes out the pin.  
“One… two… five..!”  
“It’s three, mister Frodo.”  
“Oh, Eru, Frodo you’re stupid!”  
“Yeah, Frodo, you’re so dumb!”  
“This is what happens when you don’t bother with the instructions.”  
“Give the lad a break and let him throw the bloody thing!”

 

…

 

“Soo… Ya gonna throw it?”  
“Throw what?”  
“The holy hand grenade!”  
Frodo turns and looks at his faithful gardener.  
“I can’t do this Sam.”  
“Oh, for the love of..!”  
“You’re downright useless!”  
“This is the last time I’m saving your ass!”  
“Oh, come on! Stop picking on Frodo! He’s doing the best he can!”  
“Where the fuck did you come from?”  
“Oh, sorry, I’ll just go back to my writing…”

And so was it that, after many belittling comments, Frodo successfully threw the holy hand grenade, thus vanquishing the killer rabbit with the purple dildo and saving Middle Earth. Too bad he couldn’t do the same with the ring…   
“Hey!”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope I didn't scarr you for life...


End file.
